it was 2am and i was getting ready for bed. i made my bed (took out the futon from the closet and laid it on the floor), set my alarm, and was about to turn off the lights when i suddenly noticed something that honestly made me scream like a little girl. about 3 feet from where i was about to lay my head, i saw a huntsman spider THE SIZE OF MY FUCKING HAND just chilling on the wall. just chilling. waiting for me to turn out the lights so it could bite, sting, and claw me to death while i sleep. im positively sure of this. anyways, after promptly urinating myself several times in rapid succession, i finally worked up the courage to fight this beast one on one. mano a mano. may the best man/beast win.

because ive been warned how fast these things are and how they love to jump around, i took no precaution and quickly emptied half a can of spider killer on it. but mr huntsman spider decided not to give in without a fight. i swear i even saw him flip me off with every single stupid leg of his. he ran from room to room and up and down walls all the while contemplating how he was going to kill me slowly and eat my brains while i watch.

i finally grew enough cajones to start swatting at him with the dustpan. boy, he did not go down without a fight. after about 13 crushing blows, he finally curled up his legs and died. this mother was still a few inches across even after he curled in his legs.

the irony is that hunstman spiders are not really harmful to humans, and in fact, ive been told by many people to not kill them because they prey on the even more heinous creatures that are probably lurking in my house as i type this.

ugh.

::sigh::