a good friend recently asked me why i keep fantasizing about leaving my current house/town/life. this was via a text, so i had to cater my response to fit in only 160 characters or less. after contemplating for a bit, i responded with a simple yet efficient summary: "dude, i poop in a hole."

"team teaching" has been a major buzzword in much of the JET (Japan Exchange and Teaching) propaganda ive received so far. team teaching is pretty self-explanatory - multiple teachers join forces and plan, teach, and grade lessons together AS A TEAM. from the very beginning we are told to believe in, embrace, and utilize team teaching as much as possible in our classes. unfortunately, after just a few weeks i feel its safe to declare that team teaching, at least in my situation, is completely impossible. team teaching for the lose.

its almost fun to watch such a good idea, like team teaching, hopelessly fail before my very eyes every single day. every class ive had so far falls into one of two categories: i either do (a) all of the teaching or (b) none the teaching. so much for working together as a team, eh?

as an assistant language teacher (ALT), it blew my mind the first time i saw the real teachers get up and leave the classroom.. for the entire class. go team, go! ive even had teachers fall asleep during class. yay team! oh, and what sweet irony to work with "english teachers" who speak/understand little or no english. because team teaching is just so successful when the teachers cant even communicate with each other. team teaching minus the team. i would say that about 75% of my elementary classes end up with me, the assistant language teacher, acting as the full-time teacher and running the entire show from start to finish.

the other scenario is when i do absolutely nothing in the classroom. team teaching in a team of one. it seems my purpose, in these situations, is to show kids what a foreigner looks like. these classes are usually taught by the english teacher speaking nothing but japanese which is OBVIOUSLY the best way for kids to learn english. in these situations, the teacher usually doesnt even tell me what their lesson plan is before we get into the classroom. surely, this is team teaching in its finest.

the idea of team teaching sounds so good. students could learn BY EXAMPLE how a japanese speaker can effectively communicate with an english speaker. kids could get completely different but equally important perspectives on english topics. one teacher's strengths could compliment the other teacher's weaknesses. the list of advantages makes this method of teaching so appealing. but oh, the irony to be instructed to use team teaching in situations where the other team member doesnt understand the meaning of the word "team."

fail.

my town was fortunate enough to have a bad-ass jazz tour come through a couple of weeks ago. after work on a wednesday night, i was escorted to our (one and only) community center. i had to be escorted, of course, because i couldn't read or understand the information on the flyer or ticket. grrr, its been a month and a half and i still can't read enough japanese to go to a concert on my own. sigh.


anyways, it was refreshing to have just a little taste of american music in my distant foreign country. there were about 30 performers total, most of which played the classic gambit of big-band jazz instruments: brass, strings, woodwind, and percussion. there were a couple of jazz vocalists who sang a few songs too. one guy even covered sinatra's "my way" which, even in his japanese accent, was particularly fucking moving.


during the more upbeat songs a pair of swing dancers came out and swung. i was so stoked to see the dancers. it made me miss last summer in boston when i was lucky enough to take a couple months of swing dance lessons. oh boston how i miss ye.
while i was looking for a seat to sit in before the concert, i happened to find two fellow teachers from a junior high school sitting near the front. it was a bit awkward because i didnt remember their names. heck, i still dont. it was hard enough for me to remember english names back in america, but learning the hundreds of japanese names of my coworkers and students just seems like an impossible task for me at the moment.

after the jazz concert, the junior high teachers and i went out to a local restaurant for some dinner and drinks. it was nice to actually feel social with people in my town (note: this was the first and so far the only time ive been able to do so; the language barrier is such a harsh mistress). they loved watching and complimenting my chopstick skills while i ate sanma (サンマ), a popular local fish, and enjoyed listening to all the traveling ive done in japan so far.

teaching my first class was one of the most nerve-racking things ive ever done. i walked into a classroom ive never been in before, in front of a bunch of 8th grade kids ive never met before, and for the next 45 minutes i did something ive never done before.

we started off with my name. im having all of my students call me kujira-sensei (鯨先生), which means "whale teacher" in english. i chose this name because: (a) its similar to my last name (WHALEn, get it?), (b) its easy for the kids to say and remember, (c) i think its hilarious, and (d) its part of an even bigger joke which only makes sense if youre bilingual or if you have lots of time for me to explain it.

i tried to do as many interactive things as possible to keep those adhd kids' interest. i passed around american money and photographs of my previous american lives. i had some of the brave students come to the front of class and point on a over-sized map where they think las vegas and boston are. i even passed around a giant stuffed talking dog (his name is otosan (お父さん) and hes a very well known mascot of softbank, the only iphone carrier in japan) to show how much i like dogs and iphones.

halfway through the class, the japanese teacher had to stop me and ask if i could speak slower for the children. apparently, and ive been told this many times before, i talk ridiculously fast when im nervous. but no matter my talking speed or the fact that i was translating everything to japanese on the fly to help them understand, i still only got a bunch of blank stares, a couple of smart-ass remarks, and maybe a couple of im-in-love-with-you looks from the girls who im sure fall for every single one of their young male teachers.

towards the end, i whipped out isabel, my acoustic guitar, and failed horribly at my attempt to show off by playing a beatles song for them. i dont recommend dropping your pick mid-verse in front of a classs full of 8th graders, by the way. i would totally try to avoid that if i were you.

finally, with 10 minutes to spare, we played kujira bingo. i gave the kids time to fill in their bingo sheets with things about me like my names, hometowns, and hobbies. and then called out one item at a time until someone got a complete row or column. i was sooo happy when one of the quiet kids up front shouted bingo before any of the smart-ass jerks in the back. i gave him an american quarter as a prize.

overall, this was one of the most uncomfortable, what the fuck am i doing here, sometimes kids suck, seriously what am i doing here moments ive had in a long time. and with seven schools with multiple classes each, i figure its going to get much worse before it starts getting better. if it ever does.