without a doubt, my favorite part about living in an old house in a small remote japanese town is the number of things that crawl around on my floors, walls, ceilings, and face. how could i possibly feel lonely when ive got what seems like hundreds of roommates always begging for a chance to hang out with me?

__friends with 8 legs__
first, i want to give a shout out to my old friends from last year, the gigantic huntsman spiders. i havent seen your hand-sized bodies perch on my walls all winter. and frankly, i was getting a bit worried that you may never come back to visit. sometimes i swear i can still hear the echos of your heavy footsteps - not unlike the sound of a typewriter - click-clacking on my floor as i chase you around my house with a shoe, playing a friendly game i like to call "get the fuck out of my house right now or die." fortunately, the fast-approaching summer has put my mind at ease because i get to watch all of your lovely offspring grow up right before my very eyes (dont think i didnt see them hiding in the folds of my curtains the other night, cause i totally did).

just hanging out in my tatami room

__friends with no legs__
to some of my newer guests: i appreciate the company, but can you please try to pick up after yourselves more often? though i thoroughly enjoy the fact that you invite all of your lovely slug friends to party in my house on a nightly basis, seeing your trails of slime across my floors every morning kind of bums me out. no one likes messy roommates. i hope theres no hard feelings from all the salt i sprinkle around the cracks in my walls, around my doors and windows, and sometimes on your gooey bodies. its not that i enjoy watching the salt shrivel you up like a testicle in a cold breeze, its just that i really despise having to wash my floors every fucking morning because of your mess.

__friends with 100 legs__
and lastly, i want to thank all of the ムカデ ("mukade"; poisonous centipedes) for all the attention youve been giving me lately. i can tell that you are quite infatuated with me because of all the times you try to snuggle with me at night. to be honest, im quite flattered. remember the time i was about to fall asleep but suddenly noticed you were crawling around inside my pillowcase exactly where my head was supposed to go? that was cute. so cute, in fact, that i had trouble falling asleep the rest of the night because i couldnt stop thinking about it.

this is what my friend looked like dead

i think i should draw the line after last night though. to be clear, im not looking for a relationship right now and id rather us just be friends. i dont know why you thought itd be ok, but crawling into my futon while i was sleeping and gently yet poisonously nibbling on my fingers was not cool. i like you and all, but i did not appreciate waking up to you trying to climb onto my face. because i fell asleep alone that night, i was so startled to wake up with you in my futon that i may have accidentally sprayed too much bug spray on you while you tried to run away from me. maybe now youll get the hint that im just not that into you.